Crack of Doom
by Perfect Dreams
Summary: Ever wonder what happens when a author writes at one in the morning? :D I wouldn't want to know, but it's your choice! ItaSasuIta X-Overs Yaoi Incest Uchihacest Lemons Crack Insanity...And it's rated M for a reason.
1. Introductions

**The title explains it all :D**

**Before you read this…It does contain ItaSasu and always will, cause they are my favorite pairing :3 So if you read this without knowing that and hate it, don't blame it on me!**

* * *

_**Crack of Doom  
**__**Introductions**_

"Ahem!" Sasuke coughed out, mic in hand. He brought his other hand up to tap his finger on it. "Is this thing even working, aniki?"

His brother didn't answer, as he was too busy looking at a piece of paper that was in his hand, so Sasuke just shrugged and continued with his speech.

"I'm here to tell you what this story is about…because…well…our author is currently trying to fall asleep at one in the morning." He took a glance at the bed behind him, seeing tired eyes glare back at him.

Not a good sight. At all.

"Anyways, as the title says it's crack." The Uchiha smirked. "As in insanity crack. Not cocaine crack, because that's just weird."

Sasuke heard a sigh behind him and turned around to see his brother getting up from his position on the floor. He was, by the way, just laying on his stomach. Not in some yoga position or anything, because Uchiha's don't do that. That's like seeing Fugaku singing _Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star_, which, by the way, is Sasuke's favorite song.

"Not." Sasuke said stiffly, but don't worry, he's just in denial.

Itachi raised an eyebrow, things were getting pretty weird for him. Especially at one in the morning, when he really should be cuddled up with Sasuke in bed. Honestly, he had no idea why he had agreed to this at all.

"And just so everyone knows, Itachi is minez! M-I-N-E-Z! Minez! Got it?" Sasuke looked towards the camera with a glare. "You guys better get it or you will diez by the power of my Chidori!" The raven gave out a little spark to prove his point.

"Otouto…this is rated 'E'. How are you going to be able to keep it rated 'E' if you're suggesting incest between me and you?" Itachi inquired quietly.

"It's rated 'E' for erotic-ness, nii-san…" Sasuke answered back smartly.

"Oh…well, _sorry_ for reading in complete darkness."

"There's still light from the camera, aniki…"

"Stop being a smartass and continue." Itachi said, rolling his black eyes.

"Was just stating the facts." The younger pointed out, getting a irritated look from the elder.

"You know what?"

"What?" Sasuke challenged.

"Since you're obviously not going to continue, just give me the mic." Itachi growled, putting his hand out.

"No! It's my lines! It says so in the script!" Sasuke held the mic protectively, glaring at the man who dares to separate them.

"I can't see the fucking script so just hand me the fucking mic, Sasuke."

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No! Minez!"

"Sasuke, I'm warning you…"

"No! It's _my_ lines so I'm not goin-"

_Thump._

The two ended up on the floor, Itachi straddling Sasuke. The older wrestled the mic from Sasuke's possessive hands, ignoring the screaming 'NO!'s from him.

…

Five minutes later, Itachi held the mic victoriously in his hand while Sasuke was cuddled and sobbing quietly on his chest.

"I really hate you, you know." The little raven muttered between sobs.

"I love you too, Sasuke." Itachi stroke his brother's back, attempting to soothe him.

"_-hic-_ You're so mean…" Little Sasuke cuddled himself deeper into the muscled, yet surprisingly soft, chest of his brother.

"I'm sorry."

"You stole my lines." Sasuke continued to accuse.

"I know."

-_hic-_ Okay…I'm done now…"

"Good boy." Itachi kissed the boy's check and tighten his hold.

"Love you, nii-san…"

"Love you, too. Now then…I can continue with the introductions." Itachi shifted Sasuke a little to get comfortable.

"As Sasuke said, this story…will it's not much of a story, more like a collection of one-shots. Anyways, it's crack. And it's always going to contain the pairing: ItaSasu. As in me and this adorable little uke in my arms." Itachi mentioned towards the little bundle.

"Although, I _will_ let him be seme sometimes, but that's only rarely."

"I get to be seme?!" Sasuke shot up with wide eyes, staring at Itachi in surprise.

"Yes, but-"

"I. Get. To. Be. _SEME?!_"

"Yes, otou-"

"This better not be a joke or I'm going to kick your ass!"

"Shut up and let me continued."

"Right!" Sasuke did the little zip-your-mouth-and-throw-away-the-key motion that teachers love making kids do.

"As I was saying until _someone_ interrupted…"

"Sorry…"

"I thought you locked your mouth and threw the key away…?"

"I picked the lock."

"_Right._ Anyways, this will contain AU (alternate universe), OOCness (out of character…ness…), incest (whoot!), Yaoi (enough said), swearing, random-ness, insanity, crack, not possible things (as in doors appearing out of nowhere), sexual themes (me and Sasuke gettin' it on), and a whole lot of other shit that (the author could not think of right now) will be discovered later." Itachi concluded, nodding his head.

"And now, the disclaimer!" The older Uchiha announced to the camera.

"And I get to do it!" Sasuke piped out.

"Why do you get to do it?"

"Cause you stole my lines, so now I'm stealing yours."

"Fair enough, hurry it up though."

"All characters used in this work belong to their original owners." Sasuke had sounded pretty childish in his attempt to sound professional.

"And this applies to all the chapters in this work."

"Oh! And Itachi's cock belongs to my ass." The older raised an eyebrow to that.

"So that's it then…" Itachi muttered out to the camera.

"Yup…" The younger answered back blankly.

"…So…"

"What?"

"How do you turn the camera off?"

"You push the on/off button, Einstein."

"I can't fucking _see_ the on/off button, smartass."

"It's right there! Here, I'll even push it for you!"

_Click._

_Beep._

"…Uh…"

"I'm pretty sure that wasn't the on/off button, it's still on otouto."

"...Yeah…I'm not blind, aniki…I'm just in shock right now…"

"…It just started recording…"

"Nii-saaaaaan…" Sasuke whined out desperately.

"Yes?"

"Don't tell me we have to start _all over_!" He cried out in despair and buried himself into Itachi's chest.

"…I won't say anything then."

* * *

**Confused? I know **_**I**_** am…**

**Questions will be answered if you give Sasuke a cookie when you review! He wants cookies! :D And also! Ideas would be much appreciated :3**

**Till next time!**


	2. Words

**BIG HUGE THANKS to **_**ignis'caereleus**_**, A Single Fragile Rose, **_**Hard and Horny Nude InuYasha, **_**Random yaoi queen, ****and **_**Obession No Es Amor **_**for reviewing! :D  
**

**This chapter will contain the following: Itasasu, incest, Uchihacest, yaoi, words not in the dictionary, arguments, AU, mentions of sex**

**Sorry it took so long…Blame it on school…blah…

* * *

**

_**Crack of Doom  
Words**_

_Funner: The cooler form of 'more fun'. We all know it's a word…even if our English teachers say it isn't!_

Sasuke and Itachi sat in the older Uchiha's room, doing who knows what. Well, Sasuke's currently trying to get his brother to direct some attention towards him. Itachi?

He was typing away like there was no tomorrow. Only because if he wasn't typing away like that, he would have no tomorrow, for his collage professor would've certainly killed him.

And Sasuke was _not_ helping. At all.

Didn't he understand that his life was on the line? That little brat probably wanted him to suffer…

"Nii-san! Let's do something funner than watching you type your English essay!"

"…" Type. Type. Type.

"Stop ignoring me!!"

"…" Backspace. Type. Type.

"Nii-san! You used to be funner than this!"

"Otouto…"

"Yes?!" Sasuke perked up, having his brother finally answer him.

"You just made me…type….'funner'…"

"Funner's not a word.

"Then why the hell were you saying it?"

"Cause it's a word in my dictionary, but I know it's not one in yours." Sasuke smiled happily, knowing full well that Itachi knew he was right.

"You're an idiot…you just made me type 'funner'…" backspaaaace.

"Haha, it's your own fault, dumdum!" Sasuke paused, seeming to think of something. "Speaking of dumdums….I think I want one right now!"

And so the younger of the two dashed from the room in search of the candy I (the author) absolutely hate…with passion!

Silence.

Oh sweet, sweet, silence of awesome. How I love thee, my silence. Itachi was finally able to type without a little Sasuke distracting him. How he blessed the silence.

Silence! Oh my sweet silence!

What have I done to deserve thou presence?

I only hope thou power

Will last with me for an hour!

For I must finish this essay

Of the mos-

"NII-SAN!! I'M BACK!! AND I HAVE DUMDUMS! THEY'RE STRAWBERRY FLAVORED!!"

And so, Itachi's poem was cut short by the return of his little brother.

* * *

_Yummer: 'yummier'. We all know yummer will rule over the world someday…_

"Nii-san…I'm hungry…" Sasuke pouted, Itachi was _still_ working on his essay.

"Then go cook something to eat." The older answered, not even sparing Sasuke a glance.

"But…but…"

"But what?"

"You cook better…" Sasuke frowned cutely, but Itachi never looked his way, so his little puppy eyes didn't work so well.

"I…cook…better…?" Itachi stared at his computer, pausing to register what Sasuke had just said.

"Well…yeah! You're food…is…way yummer than mine!"

"Sasuke…I blew up the kitchen last time I tried to _boil water_." Itachi gave Sasuke a stern look.

"…So _that_ was the explosion!" Sasuke said happily, finally realizing why there was an explosion last month.

"Yeah…so, if you're saying my food is yummer th- Shit! You made me say yummer!" Itachi banged his head on the table, how was he supposed to write an English essay when he couldn't even use proper English in his speech?! Sasuke must be up to something…

"What's wrong with yummer? Yummer is a very nice word!" Sasuke pouted angrily, looking absolutely adorable.

"It's missing an 'i', that's what's wrong with it." Itachi began typing again, trying to ignoring Sasuke.

"Words don't have eyes, nii-san." Sasuke said, oh so, innocently.

"Fuck…" Itachi groaned, Sasuke was so doing this on purpose.

* * *

_Ain't: "Is not" "Isn't" "Are not"; we all know the English teachers ain't ever going to use this word, but we all love it anyways._

"Ain't no mountain high enough!" Sasuke sang out loud from the kitchen. Itachi could hear it as clear as day and it was giving him hell.

"Ain't no valley low enough!" Sasuke seriously needed to stop saying ain't or Itachi's going to make him pay…

"Ain't no river wiiiiide enough!" Okay, that's it.

Itachi got up and head towards the kitchen.

"To keep me fr- AHHHHHH!!!" Sasuke ran for his life.

Who wouldn't? Itachi was standing by the kitchen entrance, looking absolutely…intimidating. He looked like he wanted to _kill_ his younger brother.

Or rape him.

Sasuke hoped for the latter, it _is_ what he's been wanting ever since he started bugging the hell out of the weasel.

But, he wasn't going to risk finding out.

In all of history, only one person had managed to outrun Atalanta. That person was Hippomenes, but even he had to cheat to win her.

Itachi could maybe, possibly, most likely, somehow, almost, perhaps beat Atalanta. Thus we have our hypothesis: If Itachi could maybe, possibly, most likely, somehow, almost, perhaps beat Atalanta, then Sasuke is dead meat.

Of course we have to include all out variables and such, as in Sasuke could possibly be holding some secret weapon of doom.

But, alas, he wasn't.

So our conclusion in this science lesson of the scientific method is that: Sasuke is dead meat.

Or about to be raped. Either way, it's going to be painful.

And, as I was explaining my experiment, Itachi had caught up with a screaming Sasuke.

"Foolish. Little. Brother." Itachi breathed into the ear of his prisoner.

Sasuke gulped. This was not good, definitely _not_ good.

At all.

"Did you know…" Itachi was pretty much licking the squirming boy's ears now.

Sasuke was getting maybe, just a little…hard.

"…How severe my punishment could be?" Itachi continued, nibbling at Sasuke's ears.

Oh yeah, Sasuke was definitely getting hard now. If the tightening in his pants wasn't an indication, then I don't know what is.

"…H-how…?" Sasuke managed to mutter that question just as Itachi pretty much shoved his whole hand down his pants.

"That depends on what you want right now…" Itachi moved his hand just a little.

And the rest of that would be up to your imagination, as I am too tired to write a decent lemon scene right now…

* * *

It was like Itachi just had a spark of inspiration on his English paper after he fucked his brother's brains out. It was a miracle, but what was more of a miracle was that Sasuke. Was. _Asleep_.

It was silent in the house for once. Itachi felt like finishing the poem he had in his head earlier, but that was such a waste of time.

Happy and inspired, Itachi continued with his essay.

…

BANG!!

SLAM!!

"HOME, SWEET HOME!!" Fugaku's voice rang through the house.

"Ain't nowhere like home!" Mikoto's voice followed after her husband.

Is today English impaired day or something?! Itachi banged his head.

No, no, no. He _was not_ letting stupid parents get in the way of his inspiration. He was going to finish this shitty paper.

Just then, Fugaku opened the door to Itachi's room. He felt it…it was almost suffocating…

This…

Really…

_HAPPY…_

Aura…

"Well, _someone_ got laid…" He muttered before leaving to see if he could too get laid, after all, Mikoto was in a pretty good mood today.

Itachi grimaced, no longer having the inspiration to write anymore.

When Sasuke wakes up, he's going to need another round with his little brother.

* * *

**Haha…crappy ending…-.-**

**Well, I might have to put **_**And So I Fell In Love**_** on hiatus…Cause I can only think of crack and stupid things when I'm doing homework. Getting the plot going doesn't work when you're study…I've tried…**

**Sorry again for the wait guys…-.- 2 in the morning…ZZZzzzz…**


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